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So, it's been two years now since I last communicated with the former internet acquaintance who inspired a lot of the early work on this page.

I felt like commemorating the event with a few words on where I am now and what I've learned about life, the universe and everything as a consequence of that less than pleasant chapter of my existence. He is a great guy in many respects, very well informed and generous with his knowledge, can be extremely funny although with very little sense of humour, I'm not sure how that works but there you go. He would be angry with me for saying that, but say it in a funny way. And that there was part of the problem. He took himself far too seriously, whilst saying that I should take nothing seriously.

If only I had understood how covert emotional manipulation worked whilst we were still on speaking terms, things might have been very different, but unfortunately I was naive in those days and to say I've learned a great deal since then would be a big understatement. I have to thank him for that learning experience. I now have intimate knowledge of how it works from the inside as someone who has been subjected to it. It doesn't matter what the intentions of the manipulator are, the effects are the same whether they are malevolent or not. And I'm still learning. Only the other day, I came across this article on Natalie Lue's blog Baggage Reclaim, which opened my eyes to what I was really dealing with. www.baggagereclaim.co.u… I still find myself pining for what was good about that old thing, things he said pop into my head all the time, they are so deep rooted, but I go there and get a healthy dose of back down to earth, which reminds me of what bits of him just didn't work for me. One big omission from my education was conscious knowledge of boundaries and how to defend them from people who try to test and exploit the gaps and weaknesses, but of course the unconscious just knows anyway and that's when you end up in emotional turmoil. Now, I'm much better placed to know what I will and won't accept in a friendship, and there was a lot from him that, with the benefit of hindsight, I shouldn't have put up with.

Natalie's blog is brilliant, I've learned so much on there about dysfunctional relationships that will stand me in very good stead when I start my private work, which will be very soon, all is nearly ready.

Anyway, I'm just blowing off. Things are a whole lot better for me now, I'm much more relaxed and happy than I was back then. Natalie's blog has helped me to unpick what was mine and what was his, and when you're dealing with a talented manipulator, that can be the most difficult aspect when you are trying to find a way of putting it behind you. They will try their best to lay all of the blame at your door, but the thing is not to be fooled by it. I'm not now, and I know that the reason our friendship foundered was his paranoia from before he even met me that underlaid and influenced everything that happened between us. So much for hanging out with people who are not motivated by fear and greed, eh? People in glass houses, etc. My main contribution to the debacle was to stick with it for years too long, but I understand what it was about me that made me susceptible, and don't want to duck out of my share. On consideration of what I did at the end that finally snapped the thing in two, the phrase self fulfilling prophecy springs to mind.

When we first met and I became all fired up with the idea that modelling myself on a more effective personality would help me overcome parts of myself that I decided were too 'soft', he was my role model, but it was like trying to graft Heath Ledger's Joker onto Kirstie Allsop. It was never gonna work, and sadly the great spark we had in the beginning became all bent out of shape over the years. I got to the point of not knowing what to do for the best, stand by my obligation to the friendship, or save myself and get out, and that may have led to him believing I was a basket case. Massive case of cognitive dissonance. I'm sad about what happened but it's no use holding onto regrets and resentments, one has to let go and move on.

I'm getting on with my life now, and it's sweeter than ever. My garden is looking amazing, and my art is really moving on.

He was a great acquaintance in some respects. I won't call him a friend, because anyone who deliberately provokes you to insecurity about their friendship isn't your friend. I didn't need a lot of reassurance, but it turns out that I did need some. More than 'well, he turned up' anyway. I'd put him on a pedestal, but it was built from my naivete and his enormous ego. I won't be making that mistake again. 

Wishing himself a happy birthday, and all the best.

Here's an interesting link that's a bit of a lightbulb moment for me.

Wow, it's been ages since I submitted a journal. Over the last few months I've been to see lots of movies, some of them have been pretty good (A Testament of Youth, The Theory of Everything, The Imitation Game, Grand Budapest Hotel to name a few) and some of them have been pretty terrible (Into The Woods, The Expendables 3, Ex Machina (bleh), some that I've blotted out, they were so bad), but high at the top of the tree of awfulness has to be 50 Shades of Grey.

 

You have to hand it to E L James, I don't suppose when she sat down to write 50 Shades that she had any comprehension of what she was setting in motion. How many middle aged housewives achieve such a phenomenal level of financial success when they start a piece of fan fiction, based on an original source, Twilight,  that was widely derided at the time? She must think all her Christmases have come at once, but maybe there are things more significant than money and self respect is one of them.  

 

What is it about this story that has gripped the imagination of so many women, even though it's ridiculousness on a page? There has to be more to it than extremely effective marketing and promotion, although what they have done with it is amazing and I would like to know how they did it. At heart it's a potent story of sexual obsession with thriller elements that keep the plot pacey and engage the reader's attention, but as a reader you can poke a million holes in it if you want to. Eventually the sex becomes so repetitive and annoying that you just skip over the shagging to get to the story. It could have used a lot of editing to get rid of all that malarkey. Suspension of disbelief is required in bucketloads, plus a continual reminder that it's just fantasy fluff and don't pick holes in it trying to find meaning or depth or any connection to reality. Bells ringing in my head over personal stuff on that one. I used to be quite intrigued by the dom/sub dynamic, but now think that it can't work. Anyone who's dominant will undoubtedly work at gaining psychological domination of the sub through covert emotional manipulation tactics, and then the sub becomes a pawn who will do anything to please even at their own expense. Now I know how that kind of emotional manipulation works, I would run a mile from it. It's just shitty.

 

I read somewhere that E L James had quite a lot of editorial control over the movie and refused to allow any scriptwriters to improve the dialogue, which was a shame but I suppose she would have had to admit that her own was not up to the job. In the end her characters came across as dull and unsympathetic. We didn't care what happened to them and there was no sense that they even liked each other, let alone so hot for each other they couldn't wait to rip each other's clothes off. They were like strangers going at it, and whilst some people find that very hot, to the outside observer it's just weird.

Some have complained that it's about domestic violence, but S & M has its own clearly defined and agreed upon rules and is mutually consensual. Domestic violence is not. I suppose you could argue that psychological abuse could be involved in getting someone to act in a sexual way against their will, but I don't know how common that is in the S & M scene. Some have complained that the S & M elements are not very well done, and doesn't do the scene any justice. I have no personal experience of that, but in 50 Shades, the whole point is that she doesn't like that side of him, but loves him anyway and is willing to give it a try.  Together they work out a mutually agreeable solution which mostly involves him giving up the whips and becoming domesticated.

 

I actually feel sorry for Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson for agreeing to take part in this festival of garbage, but they have to take their own responsibility for deciding to commit career suicide.

 

If I had been doing the casting and had a free hand to choose my Anastasia and Christian, I think I would have chosen Anna Kendrick or maybe Alicia Vikander, and a younger Matthew Mcconaughey or Ian Somerhalder. It seemed at the time when the roles were being cast that it was a poisoned chalice and no-one really wanted to do it. I admire Dornan and Johnson for having the guts, but sorry, the risk didn't really pay off. They had zero chemistry which made the sex scenes squirmy, and neither had the acting chops to imbue their roles with any depth or characterisation beyond the cheesily superficial. Admittedly they had poor material, but the film really sagged.

 

Will I go and see the sequel? Of course. Get with the zeitgeist, bebeh!

Last week, we went to see Gone Girl. I'd read a review which claimed that the movie was the long awaited adaptation of a book that had captured the public's imagination, but I'm surprised to say that I'd never heard of it. Where had I been? God knows. Not paying attention, obviously. So, lol, I came to Gone Girl a complete virgin. All I knew about it was that it was a movie about a woman who goes missing in suspicious circumstances but that all was not what it seemed.

I used to like things that were not what they seemed, it made life more interesting, but having been burned by that, I'm now a firm believer in the appeal straightforwardness. That said, I didn't really enjoy GG all that much. I found Amy (the wife) annoying and the husband (can't even remember his name) a cold fish. They were an unsympathetic couple and as such it was hard to feel invested in what happened to them. The audience aren't supposed to like them, it's a study in how people who are fundamentally lying to each other about who they are can tear each other to shreds and cause havoc. At least they are not making other people miserable with their cheating and psychopathic shenanigans.

Amy was supposed to be so clever in her set up, and yet she made so many mistakes it was hard to believe in the plot. Her husband must have been incredibly dim if she could fool him and yet not be able to work out that the couple in the cabin were going to rob her.

My son read the book and enjoyed it, but I haven't yet and I wonder now if I'm going to bother.


"You're the one who thought psychopaths were so interesting, but they're kinda tiresome after awhile, don't you think? "  Hans, Seven Psychopaths, Played by the immortal Christopher Walken. Now that was an entertaining movie.
So, it's been two years now since I last communicated with the former internet acquaintance who inspired a lot of the early work on this page.

I felt like commemorating the event with a few words on where I am now and what I've learned about life, the universe and everything as a consequence of that less than pleasant chapter of my existence. He is a great guy in many respects, very well informed and generous with his knowledge, can be extremely funny although with very little sense of humour, I'm not sure how that works but there you go. He would be angry with me for saying that, but say it in a funny way. And that there was part of the problem. He took himself far too seriously, whilst saying that I should take nothing seriously.

If only I had understood how covert emotional manipulation worked whilst we were still on speaking terms, things might have been very different, but unfortunately I was naive in those days and to say I've learned a great deal since then would be a big understatement. I have to thank him for that learning experience. I now have intimate knowledge of how it works from the inside as someone who has been subjected to it. It doesn't matter what the intentions of the manipulator are, the effects are the same whether they are malevolent or not. And I'm still learning. Only the other day, I came across this article on Natalie Lue's blog Baggage Reclaim, which opened my eyes to what I was really dealing with. www.baggagereclaim.co.u… I still find myself pining for what was good about that old thing, things he said pop into my head all the time, they are so deep rooted, but I go there and get a healthy dose of back down to earth, which reminds me of what bits of him just didn't work for me. One big omission from my education was conscious knowledge of boundaries and how to defend them from people who try to test and exploit the gaps and weaknesses, but of course the unconscious just knows anyway and that's when you end up in emotional turmoil. Now, I'm much better placed to know what I will and won't accept in a friendship, and there was a lot from him that, with the benefit of hindsight, I shouldn't have put up with.

Natalie's blog is brilliant, I've learned so much on there about dysfunctional relationships that will stand me in very good stead when I start my private work, which will be very soon, all is nearly ready.

Anyway, I'm just blowing off. Things are a whole lot better for me now, I'm much more relaxed and happy than I was back then. Natalie's blog has helped me to unpick what was mine and what was his, and when you're dealing with a talented manipulator, that can be the most difficult aspect when you are trying to find a way of putting it behind you. They will try their best to lay all of the blame at your door, but the thing is not to be fooled by it. I'm not now, and I know that the reason our friendship foundered was his paranoia from before he even met me that underlaid and influenced everything that happened between us. So much for hanging out with people who are not motivated by fear and greed, eh? People in glass houses, etc. My main contribution to the debacle was to stick with it for years too long, but I understand what it was about me that made me susceptible, and don't want to duck out of my share. On consideration of what I did at the end that finally snapped the thing in two, the phrase self fulfilling prophecy springs to mind.

When we first met and I became all fired up with the idea that modelling myself on a more effective personality would help me overcome parts of myself that I decided were too 'soft', he was my role model, but it was like trying to graft Heath Ledger's Joker onto Kirstie Allsop. It was never gonna work, and sadly the great spark we had in the beginning became all bent out of shape over the years. I got to the point of not knowing what to do for the best, stand by my obligation to the friendship, or save myself and get out, and that may have led to him believing I was a basket case. Massive case of cognitive dissonance. I'm sad about what happened but it's no use holding onto regrets and resentments, one has to let go and move on.

I'm getting on with my life now, and it's sweeter than ever. My garden is looking amazing, and my art is really moving on.

He was a great acquaintance in some respects. I won't call him a friend, because anyone who deliberately provokes you to insecurity about their friendship isn't your friend. I didn't need a lot of reassurance, but it turns out that I did need some. More than 'well, he turned up' anyway. I'd put him on a pedestal, but it was built from my naivete and his enormous ego. I won't be making that mistake again. 

Wishing himself a happy birthday, and all the best.

Here's an interesting link that's a bit of a lightbulb moment for me.

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Thank you for adding my hematite necklace to your faves!
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Thank you very much for the points. So generous of you to do. I appreciate your gesture so very much:love:
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happy Birthday dear!!!!
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